Murder and Forgiveness

For now we see in a mirror dimly, 
but then we will see face to face [1Cor 13.12]
[Image credit: publicphoto.org]

It has been a little over nineteen years since two sweet innocents sank into the bottom of a man-made lake in South Carolina, sent there by the woman who carried them in her womb. Susan Smith's story changed us all, mothers and fathers and families alike. None of us were unaffected, and yet, looking back, it is perhaps time we saw the lake as a mirror, and recognize our own reflection within it.

As a society, although individually we may strive toward good, we are none of us innocents. We should acknowledge, as Beverly Russell did, that there is a seed of capability to do great evil within us all. We owe this woman forgiveness, and until we do this we can not move on toward reconciliation, and we will not be able to realize our great responsibility to our children to ensure they grow up in a safe, loving world, full of possibilities.

When the word first came out that this mother had done the unthinkable, I remember being in the grocery store with my then 7-year old daughter and my son who was about the age of the youngest Smith child. Strangers who passed by my shopping cart reached out toward him, fastened safely in his little seat, to touch his head and to grasp my hand, wrapped protectively around him. "Take care of that child," some would whisper. "I can tell you are a good mama," others would say. I saw friends of mine from church, also young mothers, and we reached instinctively toward one another, asking, "How are you? Do you need anything? Is everything all right? You know you can call me," our eyes searching deeply within each other's, trying desperately to re-validate the safety net of community that had been rended and torn by the news.

We all knew that sometimes we are only a breath of time away from losing it ourselves, and we needed to know that we could stop it from happening if we could only remember we are there for each other, to help shoulder the load.

Before Susan Smith's trial and the facts and analysis that would come out of it showing she was a desperate, troubled individual with a past that some of us could not fathom or relate to - we young mothers knew. Only the grace of something greater than ourselves up to that point had saved some of us from recklessly destroying our greatest and most precious gifts, that of our children and ourselves. For some horrible reason, that grace had failed a young mother, allowing her to send her children, her flesh, her blood, to a watery tomb. And I think that our shock and horror allowed us to separate ourselves after a time from this recognition, in order to move on and to be better parents.

This had to happen. But it is time now to take the next step, and forgive her for her actions. To recognize as a society that we had some hand in this undertaking, and to heal and to move forward toward ensuring that infanticide does not have to happen, that we recognize the warning signs and stop this evil, desperate act from taking place ever again.

***

We know better now, how ill and wretched this young woman was. We know, and we must recognize, that she was manifesting the symptoms of the classic murderer of her own children. At that time only trained specialists knew and were capable of seeing in; indeed it is what helped them to guide Susan Smith into confessing her great horrible deed.

Driving alone at dusk [Image credit: publicphoto.org]

But we all should know now. It's been nearly twenty years. Surely we can recognize that she was at the apogee of human error and selfish grasping for attention, love, and acceptance for who she was and what she was at the time: a lonely, depressed woman whose inner child grieved for the father she had lost, and who could not, for whatever reason, accept that now she was a mother, with limited options.

It's sad, but true. As her life gained complexity, her future seemed to dim, and the possibilities voiced in the letter written by the lover who rejected her probably seemed like a carrot too far from reach. She lashed out, angrily, at what seemed to have slipped away while she was busy attending to her greatest accomplishment: motherhood. She was confused, and oh so empty, and her fear allowed her to believe that emptiness was permanent.

We have all felt like this, at some time or another. Fortunately, most of us have resources and loved ones who help us see the folly of that belief, and can show us the good and lovely opportunities and choices for good in our lives, so that the fear and loneliness and rejection do not last.

Susan Smith did not.

Why?

Why, when she looked around, did she only see a situation that further estranged her from her best self? Why did she want to end her life, and that of her children? And what, if anything, could have been done to stop it?

I will reflect further on this as time allows. For now, I want to just think about this rationally, given the facts as we know them. I'll write more as soon as I can.


***

Update on the 20-year mark of this event in The State newspaper

Review: Why Men Fall Out of Love: What Every Woman Needs to Understand

Why Men Fall Out of Love: What Every Woman Needs to Understand by Michael French

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



Mr. French seems to have a lot of rather misogynistic notions about women - but then it happens that a lot of men seem to as well. He attributes a lot of power and control to us that I'm not sure is actually valid - but then, I'm a woman and by definition I'm not going to understand why so often men do attribute so much power to us when we feel helpless and manipulated by just the type of actions and circumstances the men in this book describe. Still, I'm finding this book helpful because it gives a purely male view toward what causes relationships to fail, and that is what I was looking for in order to better understand my own circumstances. I do not have to agree with all of what he says in order to gain insight and value from it. French does an excellent job of presenting a list of very well-illustrated reasons why men may have difficulty in relationships, and this information will help me to be more effective in my dealings with people of the opposite sex, as well as have empathy toward them and perhaps not be so likely to feel hurt by them. Understanding, respect, and open dialogue about the inner landscape that leads us to act and feel the way we do about others is the canvas on which he makes a case for more effective and ultimately satisfying relationships between men and women. After all, it's the inability of the sexes to communicate effectively that is at the root of most of our failures, and this is a point he makes rather well.



View all my reviews

Love is Not Love

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments.  Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

--Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

'Nuf said.  Carry on.

SustainFloyd next Weekend

We visited Floyd last month and really can't wait to go back again.

From friend Fred's blog:

After a successful assembly at the foot of Buffalo Mountain for a drizzly-foggy October 10th “350 climate action”, SustainFloyd now looks ahead to the first community festival of its kind in the county, the SplitRail Eco-Fair, to celebrate ecologically-sustainable aspects of agriculture, arts, commerce, education and life together in vibrant community in a changing world.fragmentsfromfloyd.com, Fragments From Floyd, Oct 2009
Read the rest here

YouTube video of Buffalo Mountain assembly

Really wish I could go, but probably won't make it. It's a rather busy time for me right now - but my heart is there, and I have high hopes for a great weekend for those who can!

Celebratory Voices

It's Jensen Ackles' 30th birthday. This man inspires So Much Love. Just look:

at the CW Source
at JA_Fanwoman
from awhile back, at lemmealone's LJ

Surely, you get the idea. I haven't even looked over at Jensen Ackles' Fans, or TwoP, or the CW boards, but am certain it's the topic of the past 24 hours, worldwide.
Have some birthday cake, dude. It's the least you deserve.

Adding mine to the din: Happiest of Birthdays, Jensen, and many, many more. You deserve every good thing that life can bring. Thank you so much for just being yourself.

The boy who went to Hollywood, right out of high school, landed the first role he tried out for, and became an instant heartthrob --also winning his first acting award, a Daytime Emmy for Best Male Newcomer. Smart people, those casting folks at Days.
A few years later... intense as ever. Still killing fangirls.
I was still clueless, had no idea he existed. My loss.
Honestly, anything else i could add would be de trop... besides, I've said it so many times. This man changed my life, in so many good ways. Breeze thru back entries in this blog and it will be obvious how I went from a depressed, cynical government employee trying desperately to find something good to write about to a happy fangirl in the past several months. And yeah, That Is A GOOD THING.


The shot that changed my life. In the Pilot when Dean body-slammed Jared against the bridge like an infuriated pugilist, and then said quietly, "Don't talk about her like that," in a voice evoking love and respect for his dead mother, filial and parental love for the brother he'd raised, and respect for Sam's feelings all at the same time, he effectively communicated the fact that Sam had stepped over a line that would not be allowed. A typically Jensen multi-layered moment, as I've come to understand since then.
And when I saw it, I was done. Done, I tell you. Two days later, I'd watched the entire Season 1 DVD set, and was frantically looking all over the internet to find out
WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY.
I blame Jensen Ackles wholeheartedly for the fact that I am finally what I should have been all along: a full-time writer, which was my first career choice, but because of second-guessing myself in high school, I subverted this to other, supposedly more creative and/or lucrative choices that ended up being what some people euphemistically describe as "learning experiences." Why do I blame, or more accurately, credit Mr. Ackles? Good God. If you have to ask, you have not been paying attention. I spout out about how he inspires me so much, it would be ridiculous to say it again. Besides, he's trying so hard to ignore all the congratulations and the fact that everyone he knows, and everyone who knows him, or of him, is wishing him well this morning.
From the body language to the look on his face, it's obvious he'd rather be just about anywhere than here, where people are LOOKING AT HIM... but he's such a good sport, he'll smile for the camera anyway.

When it comes down to it, I'm unapologetic about the fact that I don't believe there is a more perfect, more fully evolved human being out there who is even somewhat well-known. His genuine bewilderment at all the fuss is probably his most endearing trait, but it's closely followed by his talent, his dedication, and the care he takes in letting co-workers and fans alike know how much he appreciates them. And how it's obvious that he gives with everything he's got, every single day.

Hey, Jensen. It's appreciated. No, really. We notice things like that.
It's pretty rare in your field, dude.


Here's a link to the latest interview (Scroll to Jensen Ackles 2), released by Australian TV from during his visit a few weeks ago, where he's asked about his plans to celebrate this milestone. In typical fashion, his answer bleeds humility. He'd really rather not talk about himself, he deflects any question neatly and politely that veers toward the personal, yet leaves us still feeling like he appreciates the thought that we asked.
This shot from Supernatural 2nd season episode Crossroads Blues is one of my favorites. Look at the earnestness, and the freckles.

From the inspiration of the Ackting, I re-learned how to look beyond the moment, and stop obsessing about body image and fitness and not eating food, and followed his example of giving the best you can every single moment. I reached down inside myself and pulled my soul back away from the oblivion, where I'd pushed it to keep from staring at the pain. I started writing again, about the basis of what matters. He showed me a side of modern maleness that I really didn't believe existed, and so I was able to finish an 18-year old project that had run out of steam, and then was further inspired to continue exploring all the possibilities my mind could conjure. My writing sings with love, and hope, and cherished seasons of belief. It makes me happy.

It goes beyond his obvious physical beauty, because without the soul behind it, he'd be just another pretty Hollywood face. The man has depth, kindness, and even a quirky sense of humor. So many people say, you just won't find a nicer guy, a better friend, or a more talented actor.


But it all boils down to this: I just enjoy watching him So Damned Much.

The versatility and layering he brings to the character of Dean on Supernatural leaves me breathless. I find now I actually have to space out this input now in doses - too much Jensen now leaves me feeling as if I've been mainlining supernatural drugs. And it isn't just me: the word "roofied" is becoming synonymous with the TV Show, Supernatural, because so many of us are just blown away at this point.
Cap courtesty of Screencap Paradise, from Supernatural episode 3.10, Dream a Little Dream of Me. Dean confronts his worst nightmare: himself. It isn't pretty, but it's damned awesome. I still can't speak coherently about this episode, and it aired over three weeks ago.

Perhaps best of all, his intensity is catching: compare Jared's pretty-damn-good characterization of Sam in Season One with his latest episodes in Season Three. Jared's Sam now blows us away, just like Jensen as Dean.


graphic by titheniel, clip from Supernatural episode 3.07, Fresh Blood
Jared is coming into his own, and not to take anything away from him, but some of it has to be due to the encouragement and feedback he gets from his co-star. Jensen sets up an environment where everybody, including the cast and crew, feel comfortable with giving their all, putting on their best selves. Why? Because it's what he does, every damned day he goes to work. It's like he doesn't know how to do it any other way. How many people live their lives like that? That takes courage, and conviction. And it's something to emulate, and by God, I'm doing it, too.



So, a shout out to Alan and Donna Ackles: you did good. So damned good. And thank you, Jensen, for being true to yourself, and doing so much with what you were given.

We look forward to at least 90 more good years like the past 30. Amen, dearest.

Happiest of birthdays.


Set photos and all otherwise uncredited photos courtesy SPN Media and the CW/WB Network.