Another way what appears to bring us closer, in an instant can zoom us far, far away.
Here's the obvious thing that I had to (re)learn publicly:
DON'T HIT 'ENTER' WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY.
Even in the rare case that you may actually be right (I wasn't) - it still is the wrong thing to do. Airing it publicly, even semi-publicly on friends-only posts, still includes people that really didn't want to see that. We don't go on the internet to be unwitting witness to ugly words about people we care about. If I had kept my thoughts to a few private emails, even, instead of a couple of very-succinctly-worded Zzzzzlams! - well, I wouldn't have had to eat crow for dinner last night. And had to get up and look at the leftovers again this morning. And cringe all over again at the memory of hurting someone I care deeply about, and try to believe that "I made a mistake, everyone makes mistakes, it's not worth beating yourself up over it..."
I am not an existentialist, but they did get one thing right. Even deleting the whole post and anything afterwards that stemmed from it isn't going to make it go away. Once it's on the internet, it's history. Literally. It's out there. Damage done. Now we live with it.
It's worse than just saying ugly words in the privacy of your own home. It's like buying billboard space and painting it across the highways. Everyone can see it, and be witness, judge, and jury to your idiotic moment.
So now I'm reading and re-reading a quote from a small framed picture that my mother gave to my father a long time ago, and trying to apply those wise words of Emerson to the absurdity of this particular situation. Because even though I've apologized profusely and received forgiveness for yesterday's blunders, it is difficult to believe that it won't contribute further to an already tenuous and difficult communication problem that I've been having with the individual who graciously forgave me. While I was writing words of fire, he was actually being a saint and helping people in need. He was applying the rule, "Do unto others..." He was being the better person, doing good in the world.
None of us is perfect, we all are human. And normally I believe and live by these words: Everyone is doing his best he can at the time. It is a reminder to have patience, and do not judge. Why I forgot and felt justified in slamming home some long-ago, worn-out, used-up resentment that should have been thrown out with the trash years ago, is not an excuse. I shouldn't have done it, and I am so, so sorry.
I don't yet forgive myself; I knew better and under normal circumstances would never have done it - except when I've been having a bad day, like I was yesterday. I was sick in bed, and the plumbing in the house had developed a problem overnight and I was having to wait for that to be taken care of. Being ill and unable to take care of what needed doing left me feeling vulnerable and on edge. So I did what other people do when they're sick: I got on the internet, hoping for something distracting to take my mind off of it.
You know where this is going. Without going into detail, the first few words I read on my news page jumped at me completely out of context. I mis-read, assumed I knew what was going on, and further mis-applied them, and felt totally justified in responding with what at the time seemed a high amount of calm and deliberate action. Inside I was seething over a jumble of things, partially to do with the situation at hand but mostly chafing at feeling helpless and unable to do anything but wait and see when the person in question would next communicate (he'd been rather too busy lately to talk much). I didn't want to wait; I wanted attention.
I hate the attention that resulted from that screw-up. I hate that even if I'd been right, that people saw what I wrote. That wasn't necessary. Most of all, I hate that the person to whom it was delivered was bewildered and probably hurt, although he was too much of a gentleman to show it. In the past this sort of thing would have happened behind closed doors and been completely ironed out between the two of us, but since he wasn't and hasn't been around and I was denied that opportunity, I let it out in front of co-workers, friends, and family. How inappropriate. How childish. How mean and rotten and gross.
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...” --Ralph Waldo Emerson
Deep breath. Read, and repeat.
Here's another thing: it doesn't hurt to read and see what advice the Universe sends out first thing in the morning. This is what it was for me today:
And immediately my mind responded, "
See, there was this movie, starring George Peppard and Ursula Andress, with James Mason. Epic pilot movie - The Blue Max. In it Peppard plays a military pilot - say that three times fast without tripping over your tongue if you can! Andress plays his lover, Mason plays a superior officer. Andress's character reveals to Mason's that the pilot has cheated on something, I forget what, in order to win the country's highest honor and to be named The Blue Max, because she was piqued over his jilting her. She is spoiled, and manipulative, and she thinks he will just have to lose this award and she will have vengeance. But it's worse than that. As a result of this news the superior officer decides to let him die, rather than to let it come out that the Pilot must be stripped of this honor, and therefore embarrass the whole country. He sends Peppard's character out to test a new plane, that he knows is unsafe, and with tears pouring down her cheeks she has to listen to the engine stall, and the resulting whine and screams as the plane crashes into the earth. "And all because of your stupid little anger!" Mason yells at her.